i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
