so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
