he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
