I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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