Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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