You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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