is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable