if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
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It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.