Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We are all done wearing pants today
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point