I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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