as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
