Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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