I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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