you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
