I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
