Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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