If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
