so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The ass gains better be worth it
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