Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
