Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
