so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
