I wish I only lived at night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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