I looked at my own cervix.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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