the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
