If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
