Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
