remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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