:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
