video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
