i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
