He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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