Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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