i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
