Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
