sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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