I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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