i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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