I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
