I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
