he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he was CRYING into my vagina
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
