she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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