those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
