Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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