Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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