remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
