I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
A bitchslap is in order.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
