u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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