nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
