OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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