I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
