I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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