i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i think my cat just said my name.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
