I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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