Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
