You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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