bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Bring me that man meat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
