i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
