Where is the hickey?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
