ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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