My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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